"Prabh Ka Bhana Sat Kar Saho" Accept the will of God as true.

These were the last words I whispered into my mummy's ear before she passed away.

5 months of surgery. Three phases of chemo. Once weighing at 165 pounds, she now weighed a mere 85 pounds.

Throughout the treatment process, her ability to do Nitnem continually declined, so every day for eight months, I used my transliterated Gutka to sit by her side in the hospital and do the Nitnem I saw her do everyday of my childhood.

I know that there's some kind of magic in Kirtan--my mother knew of that magic--that just can't be described by the mere words I type. I recited Kirtan and Nitnem like a ritual- desperately trying to understand what I was reciting; but the truth was that I had no understanding and therefore no connection with Gurbaani.

The summer after my first year at UCLA, I found out about a program called Sidak: a two week Sikhi camp held in Texas that tried to incorporate bani(scripture), tvarakh (history), and rahit (discipline) into its sessions.

I chose to take Sikhi 101, the series of classes that focused on the Guru Khalsa Panth, Siri Guru Granth Saahib Ji, Bhai Gurdaas, Bhai Nand Laal Ji, Asa Kee Vaar, and Contemporary History.

To learn about the extent of Bhai Gurdaas' love, or to see the word "Naad" comes before "Vedh" throughout Gurbaani ( eg: Vismaad Naad, Vismaad Vedh; Gurmukh Naadang, Gurmukh Vedhang, etc), pointing out that the first step is love and connection with, for a lack of better words, music, and knowledge is secondary, was simply transcendent.

As Sidak progressed, I began to realize a change in my understanding of Gurbaani. Something that was once so obscure no longer seemed so daunting.

All of the little steps taught at Sidak added up. From learning daily Gurbani vocabulary words, to discussing Kirtan and Rehraas Saahib after each Diwan, to learning about the first Nanak's Asa Kee Vaar, I started to slowly become closer to Gurbaani.

Reading, learning and discussing our Guru Saahibs at Sidak made me realize it takes architects, engineers, and leaders to build cities like Kartarpur.

I'd heard about Guru Nanak Dev Ji's Udaasi, but it wasn't until discussing Asa Kee Vaar in our Sikhi 101 class that I visualized Guru Ji's views on our janams. Asa Kee Vaar was just a glimpse of what Gurbaani has to say, but it was a smack in the face about how I was going about things in life. It was the day we learned that the Siri Guru Granth Saahib Ji was strategically organized that I realized, "Wow, our Guru Ji's were geniuses."

The classes weren't like camps where I usually found the teacher is talking on the side and most of the kids either not paying attention or falling asleep. At Sidak, students had to come to class prepared, ready to discuss the assigned material. This mandatory preparation was helpful because it gave us the background information necessary to understand the subject at hand. Everybody started on the same level instead of some trying to catch up to others who had previous knowledge coming into the program.

My favorite part of Sidak were the Diwans. Everyone, regardless of whether they had ever done Kirtan or not, was to learn one Shabad during their personal development time and share it at Diwan; and by sharing, I don't mean just sharing the shabad by singing and playing it on the harmonium, but actually discussing the baani and having a dialogue with the sangat.

For the first time, I looked at one of my favorite Shabads and reflected about what the words meant --what was the Guru's message to me? These introductory addresses became a dialogue with the Sangat and Kirtania. At times, this Vichaar of Guru Saahib's Word delved deep into emotions and brought tears to not only my eyes, but in the eyes of the people listening to these words.

After doing Rehraas Saahib, Kirtan, and the first Six Pauris of Anand Saahib at evening Diwans each day, we took a Pauri from Rehraas Saahib and as a Sangat, discussed its meanings.

Sidak was the first time I took Hukam and wasn't afraid of messing up.

It was a learning experience. No one was going to ridicule me if I made a mistake. After every Hukam, we tried to decipher what Maharaj Ji was telling us.

In addition to learning about Baani and discipline, I learned how to make some great Deg. A rotating group of three-four students were taught how to prepare Deg at Amrit Vela before Maharaj Ji's Parkash, and were responsible for making Deg ourselves for the evening Diwan. These students were also responsible for knowing how to follow proper Sikh Rehit Maryada (protocol) when distributing parshaad.

At the end of the two weeks, each student was to present a speech on any subject of their choice related to Sikhi - everything from the evolution of the style of Dastaars to topics like Khalsa Boli. There were thought provoking speeches on human rights issues, health in the Sikh community, Kirtan in Raag, the importance of Sangat and even a disorganized impromptu speech on mithai. (One guesses as to which was mine).

Sidak was not a camp, rather a leadership development program that inspired me to take what I learn, apply it to myself, and then share it.

Filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard once said, "It's not where you take things from-it's where you take them to."

To have spent two weeks completely devoted to Sikhi and nothing else was bliss. What I found especially helpful about this program was that due to its intensive nature, I managed to gain a lot of knowledge, (or rather- how little I knew and how much more I had to learn) in a short period of time that would have probably taken me all my college years to gather because of daily time constraints. Furthermore, not only did it present me with so much information, it was also an awakening experience. I think it's because of what I learned that summer that I care so much about being dedicated and having courage to step up to the plate and being a leader in serving my sikh community.

When I got back from Sidak, I used what I learned in San Antonio and applied it to not only my academic studies, but UCLA's Sikh Student Association as well. We recently held a student initiated Diwan night where all the Sikh Students of California came together and worked as a Sangat to take on the responsibilities of Diwan (preparing langar, to doing Simran, Kirtan, Rehraas Saahib, Anand Saahib, Ardaas, taking Hukam, and preparing Deg) themselves.

Sidak was an experience unlike any other. Not only did I learn about the ten Nanaks, Siri Guru Granth Saahib Ji, the Khalsa Panth, about Bhai Gurdaas and Bhai Nand Lal, about Punjab post-partition, about Asa Kee Var (vaiyakya and santhiya), but I also picked up values and ideals about living a life filled with contentment all centering around Sikhi.

Now, when I do Rehraas Saahib alone, I remember the things shared at those Diwans and feel so much closer to my Guruji because I understand the Baani in front of me. I am not as erudite in Sikhi gian as some of the members in my Sangat, but going to Sidak has inspired my inquisitive mind to continue learning. I once had this modern framework of thinking that 'Waheguru" is somewhere in the sky, but Kudrat is right here, RIGHT NOW.

Discussing, reading and learning more and more about Sikhi gives me an unexplainable high. Experiencing Gurbaani gives me a new prospective each day. It makes me think, it makes me act, and it makes me love. I am so grateful to Waheguru Ji for having access to a wonderful program like Sidak which has helped me immensely in becoming a better person. The knowledge I have gained through exposure to such valuable information has blossomed my relationship with Sikhi and Akal Purakh.

I'm still learning, I'm still inquiring, and I'm still discovering more and more things each day but I've found that:

"Such is the glorious greatness of the Name of the Lord. Its value cannot be described."

With His Kirpa, I've discovered that love and joy my mother had when she did Nitnem or listened to Kirtan. It no longer remains a mystery to me.

And for that-- I am forever thankful. vaheguru.

I don't know what sappy title to give this post.

I’ve been apprehensive about trying to write some fantastic encapsulation of my travels – because, really, I don’t think i t’s possible.

How any traveler manages to go abroad and so concisely bring that world back to us amazes me. It requires more than just being a competent writer, but an aptitude for recognizing the finer details from all senses and people around them – things that I am still working on and coincidentally, the same reasons why I admire journalists.

All I can really say is that traveling anywhere , and especially by yourself, changes you in a way that is completely unforeseen and abrupt. The changes don’t make you a new person, but brings out qualities and ideas in you that were dormant before. Your thoughts are more lucid because you rely on them in a foreign place.

Aside from my unreasonable sleeping schedule that affords me early mornings, every morning, my pace of being is significantly slower. It’s not lethargy — I hope — but just an appreciation of every moment. I have little regard for the time right now, evident by my multiple clocks set to all the wrong times. Usually, I’m the neurotic one who sets the clock 20 minutes ahead to “gain” 20 minutes. I don’t feel the necessity to constantly tweet about my life or every interesting article I read. Instead, I crave those long, unexpectedly, but pleasantly, extended conversations with my friends, where we speak and listen and there’s little pressure or desire to fill in the silences with small talk. I want to develop my focus, my patience, and my passion to learn and create and everything else.

I can’t even begin to wrap my head around all the experiences, countless feelings and all the people along the way who have touched and moved me. It’s frustrating to try to neatly package everything in one summative post, so I’m not going to. Instead, everything hereafter will just simply- be.

PS. I also didn’t have a camera after the first two or three days because somehow, my memory card wasn't working. Instead of thousands of HD/10mpx photos, I have a modest 100 or so photos from my camera & phone. I treasure these photos so much because there’s a specific story behind each one. Since the range and quality of a phone is considerably reduced, I tried to capture those little moments. I didn’t set up and I didn’t take multiple shots to get the perfect shot — I just took it and continued experiencing the moment. I tried to savor and remember how I felt and everything around me because I knew I wouldn’t have that crutch of a beautifully detailed photo to fall back on. The photos I have aren’t of monuments because you can look those up on the Internet and others have taken such stunning photos of Fatehgard Saahib or Harmandir sahib already. Instead, I thought I’d just take a few photos of family & friends to prove to my brother that these people and stories do in fact, exist, and to s how to him the love that is as pervasive as I have seen.

craving soulful conversations,
yourstruly.

Coincidence? I think Faith.

Isn't amazing how things turn out sometimes? Today I was jamming on the harmonium with satinderpal, reading a couple of lines from akv..

jy sau cMdw augvih sUrj cVih hjwr ]

eyqy cwnx hoidAW gur ibnu Gor AMDwr ]2]

"if a hundred moons were to rise, and a thousand suns to grow, even then, with all this light, without guru, there would be darkness."

At that instant, I gracefully bowed my head wanting to feel the presence of Satgur. I remember wanting to PHYSICALLY HUG some sort of creation Guru.

..but i couldn't.

I remember wanting to describe to Satinderpal in words what I was feeling..

but the immensity of it all couldn't be put into mere words.

All I could do was cherish this feeling inside me, and keep it to myself until I had found the right words to utter the sheer joy, yet complex nature of my feelings.

Later that night, I was chatting with a friend from Texas, and she sent me a Shabad. Upon hearing it, I instantly fell in love with the words, for they were the only words that could even come close to what I was feeling.

pRB imlby kau pRIiq min lwgI ]

Prabh Milbae Kauo Preet Man Laagi.

"The Loving Desire to meet my Beloved has arisen within my mind."

Although this translation does not suffice to the emotions felt by this poor heart of mine, it does come close to describing what I feel at the moment. I really do want to meet the Guru. I really do want to touch and feel, and engulf myself in such a divine being that I no longer have to look further for fulfillment.

I find it amusing that one day, all I see is the divine in every person i come across.. and then other days i just feel like there's so much missing. And that 'something' is somewhere else.

I don't know why I search, when I know that everything I need is right here. Right now.

Kudrat. right? the Creator is within it's creation.

Every time I read Gurbani, the words speak to me, and I completely forget about everything I'm doing and my attention becomes focused on those words. Those words are not something that make me forget about the world around me, they make me contemplate about the very things that exists. About WHY they exist. Each Shabad, each Raag evokes different thoughts, different reasons, different feelings.

For example, every time I do Anand Sahib, I feel nothing but pure joy. Sometimes.. when I'm starting Anand sahib it feels peculiar to start it off by saying 'anand paya meri Maaeh.."

Because at times, i DO want to share the way I feel about Gurbani, about the feelings of bliss get, the feelings of bhairaag with my mom. I do want to call out to my mom and say, 'mom. I can't believe how amazing and content i feel right now.."

As i continue reciting Anand Sahib thereafter, this elevated feeling of euphoria takes over me and all those sorrows- all that I worry and become frantic about throughout the day-just goes away.

I've yet to experience anything else like it. I am SO thankful that I have something like this to soothe me in such a beautiful way.

'till the next epiphany dear blog, good day.